Depression Is Not Fun

Everyone's depression story is different, and similar.  Mine is the same.

I spent a long time denying that I was depressed.  There were several reasons for my tiredness, lack of a desire to do anything.  Everything was because of my run-in with Eppstein-Barr virus.

What finally convinced me was a procedure I had done in September.  For the entire month of September I was on a prescription to get me ready.  The prescription is the important part of this story.  It was a drug called Megace.  It's a powerful hormone.  It's used for treating cancer among other things.

All through September my mood darkened and darkened.  By the end of September I was in such a bad mood everyone and everything upset me.  No one had done anything wrong, no one had treated me badly.  But in the dark place that I was trapped in I believed that no one cared about me, my opinion, or my family.  I just wanted to curl up in my bed and sleep.  I didn't want to kill myself, but I felt exactly like George Bailey.  My life had no meaning and maybe I shouldn't have been born at all.

It took two weeks and my kids to get me to call my doctor and get a prescription for anti-depressants.  I didn't want to do it, but I was just not coming out of the depression.  The dark place was getting blacker and blacker.

I started taking the medication.  Within weeks I was feeling more like myself.  That's when I realized that I had been depressed since my bout of Eppstein-Barr.  It wasn't just that I was tired, or sick, or any of the other excuses I used.  It was depression plain and simple.  I fought against the label, the weakness I saw with myself.  I didn't want to admit that I was not in control of any part of my life.

I was wrong.

To those that I offended or upset.  You did nothing wrong.  It was all me.  I'm so sorry.  I really don't deserve your forgiveness, but I am asking for it.

So Many Doctors, So Little Time

In the last two months we've done kind of a lot of medical stuff.  So in order to get it all down I'm going to make a list.

Our little Hunter had his first ever trip to the dentist.  A piece of advice:  don't put the older kids in charge of making sure the little ones brush their teeth.  Hunter's mouth was so horrible that he had to have, no joke, 10 teeth fixed.  Do four-year-olds have more than 10 teeth?  One of them even needed a crown.  In order to do that much work on one small kiddo he had to go through general anesthesia.  Not cool!  There were no complications and he was back to preschool the next day.  However when he woke up he was thrashing, screaming, and crying worse than he ever has.  It was worse than any fit he's ever had.  But the upshot is that he's got great teeth now.

Matthew also had a trip to the dentist.  He had five cavities, see advice above.  We went in to have his right side taken care of yesterday.  One of them was so bad he was going to have to have a baby root canal.  When we got there the root canal tooth had abscessed.  If you're like me an have no idea what that means, it means he's got an infection which causes a nasty bubble on the gums by the roots of the tooth.  So instead of that he's on antibiotics and will have to have that tooth pulled out and a space maintainer put in.  If we don't have it pulled it will just keep getting infected and have to be pulled out later.  So why wait?  It will be out next week.

Jamie had one of her really bad kidney infections.  It was so bad that she had to be on some high grade antibiotics.  The regular stuff just never works on that girl.  She also brought home a note from her school about her vision screening.  Turns out she needs reading glasses.  She looks stinkin' cute in them, but sheesh!  Reading glasses at nine?!  Can't wait to see what her glasses look like when she's my age.

Speaking of reading glasses, Chase had to get them too.  He looks stinkin' cute in them, but etc... just insert he/him in place of she/her.  But he's also been sick.  For the first time in my life a member of my family was diagnosed with an actual case of the flu.  Yep, real life flu.  The doctor told us that he could be sick for up to two weeks.  So we're hoping that it doesn't decide to travel the family.  It's probably too late to vaccinate them, since they've been exposed to it for the past weekish.  Yay.  Just so you know I refused to have my kids get flu shots at school because we never get the flu.  

Jason hasn't had much in the way of medical issues for at least a couple months.  I told you about the foot through the window and broken hand that was the only injury from the incident, right?  But he did have something funny start.  At his work the guys had to start wearing uniforms.  Let me just say if you don't want to think someone is sexy have them put this thing on.  Anyway there are reflective strips that go around the legs and the reflective strips are wearing the hair off his legs in little two inch squares.  Oh my goodness it looks so funny.  We might shave them, but we're debating the issue.  The scars on his legs will show up better without the hair, but the patches will be gone.  I'm laughing as I write this.  I love it!

I on the other hand had my own adventure.  I had been teaching Jamie to sew and she was fixing some doll dresses, and giving a teddy bear stitches.  What happened was, I think, a needle slipped out of the paper that keeps the needles stored.  No one noticed the missing needle since it was hiding in our shag carpet.  I found it - with my foot!  I screamed, and looked down to see what I stepped on and found half a needle.  Yep, half.  The other half was buried in my foot.  None of it was sticking out of my skin, so I couldn't pull it out.  I picked up a magnet that was sitting on my cedar chest next to the bed and hoped it could help.  Yeah, stupid but shock makes you do weird things.  The thing is, I could feel the pull on the needle.  It was strange.  

After a trip to the urgent care center, where  the nice doctor was honest enough to say "I stink at taking these things out, go to the ER," we went to the ER.  The doctor there tried to pull it out, but she put a time limit on it.  After 10 minutes she hadn't been able to get a grip on it, so she bandaged it up, gave me some sample pain killers, and made me an appointment with a podiatrist.  That was a Saturday.  Sunday I stayed home from church and took ibuprofen.  

Monday morning I went to see my new podiatrist.  He's a cute old guy that I would love to have as my kids fourth Grandpa.  He numbed me up, took x-rays, dug around for twenty-five minutes, bandaged me up and set up an appointment for the next day when they'd have an ultra-sound machine in the office.  Tuesday morning I went back.  The partner numbed me up dug around for fifteen minutes while pushing on my foot with the ultrasound machine, they took more x-rays, the partner dug for fifteen more minutes, and told me to meet them at the hospital that night.  What?!  

So heigh-ho, heigh-ho it's was back to the hospital I went.  There they numbed me up again then put me under the floroscope.  You know how in cartoons you see the people behind the machines and you can see them wave?  It was like that only on just my foot.  After only 10 minutes the needle was out, and I was bandaged up.  Seriously?  Why couldn't they do that on Saturday?  The needle was 7/8 of an inch long and nearly to the bone by the time they were able to get it out.

Good thing we met our deductible early in 2012, right?

Disneyland Adventures

Holy heck was this last Disneyland trip crazy!

It started out early Sunday morning.  Like 5:00 early.  We wanted to make it in time to see Fantasmic! the only time it was showing the whole time we were there.  Everything was going great, until the car decided to have a melt-down at Cove Fort.  It overheated to the point of extreme.  Thank heavens for a mechanic dad!  After an hour to let it cool enough to open the radiator it was determined that the thermostat was stuck.  My wonderful dad made the trip down to switch cars with us so we wouldn't miss our trip.  That left us with a five hour wait.  What to do, what to do?  Well we were only a mile and a half away from the fort itself.  We weren't sure that it would be open, being a Sunday and all, but figured it would at least kill some time walking there.  It was open and we were able to get a tour.  It was pretty neat.  They've done some major upgrades to the place.  Wow!

After five hours we were back on the road.  Instead of stopping off for a cheap dinner in Mesquite we just kept going.  I know!  Who turns down the chance for $5 prime rib with all the fixins?  We did because of the traffic jam in the Virgin River Gorge.  Apparently merging is beyond the abilities of everyone who left Utah that day.  When we finally pulled in at the hotel it was 1:00am.  Yikes what a long day!

After getting a mix up at the hotel taken care of we were able to start our week at the park!!  Naturally we hit Pirates first followed by the Haunted Mansion.  I had to make a quick trip back to the hotel for a change of clothes (isn't it lovely to be a girl?).  Then we played around doing the rest of the usual.

Tuesday's adventures were great.  First we got to go to the brand new Car's Land!!  We loved the new rides.  We also got to meet Merida, Jamie's new favorite princess.  Then that night was the Halloween Party, where we had a ton of fun and got loads of candy.  Wednesday was the Blue Bayou and some awesome food.  Thursday and Friday we did the ususal.  The trip home Saturday was uneventful, unless you count two kids throwing up.

Our friends the Partridges were able to play with us at the park.  They decided a couple weeks before that Amy really needed a vacation, and since Disneyland was on their places to go list they came along.  They split up their days between the beach and the parks.  It was fun to spend time with friends!

Our passes have expired, and our Disney adventures are over.  No more will we go to Disneyland until we make more money or prices come down.  It was a great year, and we made some great memories.  On to new things.

Oh, and by the way we're getting a new car.  Heehee!  Next year...CAMPING...a lot!!

Whiny Moment

This post will not be linked to Facebook.  I really need to get some things out there, but I don't really want to lead anyone to it, since it is very emotional for me, and it will tick some people off.

This post has been deleted to protect the stupid.  Namely me!

Epstein Barr Virus Stinks

Yeah, yeah, I know.  I haven't blogged in a while.  This seems to be a theme with me.

My life has been one big tired blur since Ragnar, and I know the reason why.  I have the Epstein Barr virus (EBV).  It's the virus that causes mono.  The symptoms are fatigue, fever, swollen glands, migraine, and loss of appetite, among others.  Chances are you've had it too, and called it the flu or a cold.  Even then it's usually a one-and-done.  My "active" virus was diagnosed as having been in January 2011, based on the antibodies in my system.  I'm supposed to be all better.  The doctor told me so.  I believed him.

Without going into too much detail let me just say that every time I start running I get hit with a brick in the form of a migraine and fatigue.  The migraine lasts only one day, the fatigue can last up to a week.  The Ragnar brick hit me the hardest, followed closely by the half-marathon brick.  Yesterday I got another lovely brick.  Today I'm just drained, so maybe this recovery will be shorter.  Knock wood.

So I started doing research.  Turns out that it's not always a one-and-done thing with EBV.  It turns out that it may be related to chronic fatigue syndrome.  Some research is now being done, according to the Google, trying to find out if there is such a thing as chronic EBV.  Sign me up!!  I'm pretty sure I've got it.  It seems to hit when my body has had it; either from my kiddos loving me so much they can't make it through a night without me, my hubby tossing all night long cause our mattress REALLY sucks, or I'm just trying to do too much.

The down-side of my research is that there's no one thing that helps people with EBV.  No one diet seems to help; some swear that you should go gluten-free, some say low carb, some say vegetarian.  Every site I looked at said exercise is necessary, but vary as to how much is good and how much is too much; everything from 15 minutes 3 times a week, to a slow walk every day for an hour.  Grrrr.

So I'm going to start tracking what I do.  The changes will come gradually, and I'll try to post them here.  So starting tomorrow I'm going to go veggie.  Nothing big, just skipping the meat at meals.  I'll still eat eggs and have dairy to keep my protein levels okay.  And I'll be taking vitamins to ensure I'll have all the nutrients I need.

As for the running...I'll walk uphill for an hour every day.

RAGNAR ROCKS!!!

Some of you are asking yourselves right now "What is a Ragnar?"  Well, my uninformed friend, Ragnar is when someone says "Hey, guys!  I think I'm going to run to Crazytown 200 miles away.  I've got room for eleven more.  Who's with me?"

Yep, I was one of those crazies this year.  The Justice Legs of America, my team of crazies, was full of couples, ladies who's hubbies agree that they're crazy, and my giant cousin.  We've got Superman and Supergirl played by Ryan and Shelli Olsen, Batman and Batgirl played by Ben and Malory Sandgren, Aquaman and Gypsy played by Brett and Kristina Tobler, Wolverine and Wonder Woman played by Jeremy and Andrea Rawlings, Fire by Sunnie Nield, Ice by Megan Grover, Thor by Joey Speredon (whom I can never call Joe), and I played Catwoman.  We also had a team Superbaby coming in at 11 weeks and played by Matthew Rawlings.

It was a great time, and we only ran into a couple problems.  Our first legs were great, even though it was stinkin' hot, and we were all excited for our second set.  We met up with Van Two, took a short break, then ran again in the evening.  The evening run was my favorite.   Okay, it was really a middle of the night run, which I finished at 2:30 am.  It wasn't all uphill or all downhill, but a set of softly rolling hills.  Nothing too steep, not hot, not too long at only five miles.  I could have done that run a couple times or added a couple miles to it.

We did run into problems after that though, and learned some great lessons along the way.  Poor Wolverine had a sandwich after his afternoon run and put some mayonnaise on it that came out of the packet clear.  He scraped it off, but still ate the sandwich.  After his night run he was feeling extremely sick.  We went to Batgirl's grandparents house where we had planned to sleep.  Wolverine spent the night "hugging the toilet."  After much discussion and debate he decided to not go to the hospital, but rode in the van with us helping to babysit.

Superbaby earned his name by only crying about 5 total minutes.  Wonder Woman is one lucky mom!

The hardest runs we had to do were our last legs.  three of us were supposed to have no van support on our longest, hottest, hardest runs.  We didn't do the no van support thing, since it was so stinking hot and we didn't want to visit the hospital for dehydration.  I personally had to run from Francis, UT to the Jordanelle Reservoir.  I've decided that I don't want to ever do that again unless I'm being chased by mad axe-men.  The part that made it so hard, though, was the heat.  If it wouldn't have been so stinkin' hot it would have been hard, but not killer.

At the end of the race we all crossed the finish line together in full costume.  It was pretty awesome, even if we were all tired and not feeling too super at the time.

So now to answer your questions:  Did you get tired?  Are you sore?  Was it fun?  Will you do it again next year?  Are you crazy?  Will your toenail grow back?  The answer to them all is yes!

So why do we do it?  It's a party on wheels and running shoes.

Oops Moments

This week has been full of oops moments.

The first is that I promised to do my mother-in-law's taxes on Monday.  Umm, yeah.  It's Friday and I still have questions I need to ask her.  Like my father-in-law's SSN, their birth years, etc.  But other than that they're done.

The second is that I didn't run much well this week.  Sure I ran every day I was supposed to so far.  Only Wednesday doesn't really count, cause I only ran for 10 minutes instead of the thirty-five I should have.

My next one is not mine.  Jason ripped his leg open Wednesday.  I was driving home from picking up C from scouts and he asked, "Where are the ace bandages?"  From there it only got better.  I had to force him to the Urgent Care clinic where he got THIRTEEN stitches.  Ouch!!!  Hopefully the scar isn't ugly, but it will be a big V on his shin.

Now I'm taking a break from fixing one of the oops' from last fall.  My kiddos turned my back garden into "Jurassic Park."  Now it's a 2 foot deep trench and the dirt is not where is should be.  I'd be really ticked if I hadn't let it happen.  Okay, I'm still ticked, but at myself.

But looking back it didn't feel like a bad week.  With the exception of Jason's leg there were no real catastrophes.  Just every day "oops moments" that keep things interesting.

Random Musings...

So here are some things I've been thinking about lately.

 My puppy.  Yep, I bet you didn't know I have one.  She's super cute, and acts just like a puppy.  Her favorite chew toys are shoes, the kitchen table and chairs, shoe laces, any stuffed animal she can get her mouth on, and shoes.

My kids.  I had parent teacher conferences this week.  C is doing well, but he can't sit still.  As usual he has to be on the move at all times.  And then there is the fact that he rushes through everything.  He gets good grades, except in math (I think it's the way his teacher teaches it and she doesn't send home homework).  I'm taking him to the doctor.  Here's hoping!  J is doing all around great, except in math where it's a B- instead of her usual A.  She buys into the "it's too hard" nonsense.  M is doing okay.  He has trouble with handwriting, long vowel sounds, sight words, and surprise, surprise math.  But we're going to try a few things at home and see if they help.  So, all in all I've got some pretty smart kiddos!

My hubby.  He needs a sleep only vacation.  He's so tired all the time.  He leaves at a crazy hour every day and doesn't come back for fourteen-sixteen hours!  And then he goes in every other Saturday on top of that.  It really is painful when he gets crap from people saying his department are a bunch of lazy, no-good, so-and-so's.  The problem with his department is really this:  he's got four guys doing the work of eight, and they have a hiring freeze on.  So to the guys whining about it:  Shut the heck up!!!

Me.  I'm still tired a lot, and I've started getting migraines every couple of weeks that take me out for three days.  Day one: super crabby, emotional, and tired.  Day two:  migraine all day long.  Day three:  fatigue and a health dose of guilt for being such a crappy wife and mother.  I'm not so sure birth control agrees with me.  Maybe I should get fixed like my puppy.  There's a thought!

In spite of all that nonsense I'm actually happy.  Sure I want to change a lot about my life, but the big things (hubby, kids, home, friends) I wouldn't change for a second!

You Know You're Blessed When...

1.  When you get to spend an entire week with people you love.  Last week I was in Disneyland with my family. That means hubby, kids, my parents, my sister, my grandma, my aunt, and my cousin.  My sweet sister ran the first ever Tinkerbell Half-Marathon.  She did an amazing job.  Not only was it the first ever Tink, it was her first race of any kind!  She did it in just over three hours.  We went to support her, but unfortunately we missed the whole race.  But still WAY TO GO CHARITY!!!

2.  When your friends take care of you before you know you need it.  Wednesday night was the Blue and Gold Banquet for our scout pack.  I was in such a high temper before (yelling at my kids, and the like) that I thought going would give me some time to talk to other moms and not think about home for a bit.  Well I did stop yelling, but I ended up crying for apparently no reason.  One of my friends told me she was going to come take my kids the next day (yesterday).  I wasn't going to let her, but when she sent me a text I was just coming into a headache, so I thought "Hey, why not?"  An hour later the headache turned into a full on migraine.  She kept my kids all day and I was able to relax and when they came home at 6:00 the migraine was mostly gone.  Then another of my friends brought dinner for us, so I didn't have to cook.  And now I will hopefully remember that when I start crying for no reason I should go home and take ibuprofen before I go to sleep to ward of a migraine the next day.

3.  Kids who are old enough to entertain themselves.  Today I've got my migraine hangover.  They always wipe me out.  My brain is roaring and ready to go, but my body is so tired that I can barely move.  Hunter is being so good right now.  He's playing fetch with the dog, while building a track for his trains.  And he's thrilled about it, mostly.  The others will probably want to watch TV or play video games when they get home.  Then by tomorrow I'll be able to get up and out.

4.  A hubby who loves his family so much we never see him.  Okay, so that's not entirely true.  He loves us so much that he works really hard to bring home the bacon (which we don't actually eat very much, but you get the picture).  In fact he works so hard that we really hardly ever see him.  It's kind of a mixed blessing.  We have more money and security than we've had in a long, long time.  But we don't really have him.  He leaves before the kids get up, and comes home for dinner, usually, an hour before bedtime.

5.  You have the gospel in your life.  I happen to be LDS, but not all of my friends are.  But they're all good God-fearing people.  They know that without Christ there is nothing else.  Without the Savior everything we do here will be for nothing.  From the first time I lied after my baptism I would have been lost, never to return to my Heavenly Father again.  But because Christ atoned for every time I've told a lie, cheated, cursed, whacked my kids, etc I have the opportunity to repent.  And boy do I need those opportunities!

So all in all I'm super-blessed.  As my little M. used to say as soon as Sacrament Meeting was over "Hooorrraaay!"

New Year, New Me!

First off:  To all those who read my now deleted post of December 5 and didn't avoid me like the plague that I was, thank you.  To all those who read that post and gave me advice, a bigger thank you.  And lastly, to all those who read the post and gave me advice and a hug (physical or not), the biggest THANK YOU of all!  And to Yami, who got the psycho out of the crazy lady.

So now on to my 2012 Resolutions!

Yep, I'm late with this one, but it's been bothering me that I haven't posted this since, oh December 29th.  But really there's been so much going on around here, what with the puppy, a wedding (Jason's nephew and another Brittany added to the family), school, exhaustion, etc.  So here come the goals!

First off I want to get some money saved up.  Like big-time money.  I need/want a new car, and just can't bear to sign my life away with a loan again.  We just paid off the Jeep!  So following the Dave Ramsey plan, I'm going to be using the envelope system, and going cash only, and abandoning the debit card at home.  I'm pretty sure that we'll be able to buy a new car next year, since my sweet husband works so stinking many hours.

Second I want to lose an average of ten pounds a month, which averages out to two and a half every week, before August.  Yeah, I really do need to lose 50 pounds, but you're sweet for saying otherwise.  This gives me a couple months of lee-way, just to be safe.  So far I haven't been successful at this, but I do have a plan!  I've signed up with some friends to run RAGNAR this June, and I'm using their workout plan to get ready.  I've even entered my workouts on my calendar, so I can't claim I forgot what I was supposed to do.  YIKES!!! Yep that just about sums it up.  I'll be going from running a total of 45 minutes this week to a total of 265 minutes (that's 4 hours and 25 minutes folks) two weeks before the race.  If I don't lose my 50 pounds this year it's further proof that there's something really wrong with me.

Then there's the one I've already messed up, only eat out once a month.  Okay, it's been less than once a week, which is an improvement over last year, but still it's too much.  I'm talking visiting the golden arches or calling for pizza, not going to a sit down dinner.  That doesn't happen, except when my hubby takes a day off specifically to take me out.  That I think I'd be okay with once a week.

And last, and probably the easiest/hardest depending on my day/kids/school/sickness/etc, keeping my house drop-in ready 5 days a week.  In general I've been pretty good at this one.  It's been a lot easier since I can blackmail my kids with the puppy ruining their toys if she escapes the basement.  But I've had a few down days too.  Last weekend a friend of mine was having a bad day, so I told her to come on over.  When she got here I had to apologize for my messy house.  Gratefully she said it wasn't messy, it was lived in.  She's sweet, but I called her on the lie.  Seriously I haven't mopped my white kitchen floor since before New Year's Eve.  And by the way who picks white for their kitchen floor?!

So yes I've got a lot going on this year, and yes this means I'm still crazy!  At least I've dropped the psycho part.  Let's all hope that the world doesn't end this year, cause I'm already planning for 2013.